I'm Sorry About Everything (In Order of Severity)

Husband, I’m sorry about the chocolate

You know, the ones I said I “didn’t eat”

Husband, I’m sorry about those clothes

You know, the ones I said I’ve had “awhile”

Husband, I’m sorry about those shoes

You know, the ones I said I got on “sale”

Husband, I’m sorry about the lashes

You know, the ones I said were “naturally mine”

Husband, I’m sorry about my hair

You know, the hair I said I coloured at “home”

Husband, I’m sorry about the food

You know, the food I said I cooked “myself”

Husband, I’m sorry about those parcels

You know, the ones I told the postman to hide

Husband, I’m sorry about the banking app

You know, the one I said “keeps glitching”

Husband, I’m sorry about the credit card

You know, the one I said was “fraud, surely”

Husband, I’m sorry about the car

You know, that time a “stranger” hit it

Husband, I’m sorry about that thing —

the one you don’t know about yet,

but probably will one day,

and when that day comes, please keep in mind

that I had a plan, and then a backup plan,

and then a third plan for when the backup plan failed,

and after that, all the plans fell apart at the same time.