The River of Rage Returns

I am furious.

Furious!!!

Anger courses through me

Like a swollen river

After torrential rain.

It rushes and rages

Unstoppable, uncontrollable

Destructive

Crashing against the

Sides of my veins, my heart, my mind

Destroying good memories

happy times

The bits of you I adored,

And when it recedes

It leaves behind

Battered remnants

Barely recognizable

Of the feelings I had for you.

I am shocked.

Shocked!!!

I did not expect this

From you of all people.

I’ve felt this seething searing

white-hot rage before

But thought it was in the past

Behind me

A memory of a bygone era

A bygone me.

But it’s back again

And feels the same.

Hotter than ever.

As loud as always

All-consuming

All-erasing

And in my molten core

I realise I have not changed at all.

I am sad.

So sad.

As the flames subside

And the ire ebbs away

That old feeling returns.

I am ugly, unloveable.

I did something wrong.

I am not good enough.

Self-doubt, self-hatred

The self-criticism

That I haven’t heard in so long

Is back with a vengeance.

But… this time I refuse to listen.

Perhaps I have changed after all.

This says nothing about me

And everything about you.

And from the ashes of this anger

Springs a seed of love and compassion…

…For me, myself.