excavation

i didn’t even realise she was missing

until she came back

gradually returning

– faster than she disappeared –

but

still

slow

she left

imperceptibly

a quietening here

a withdrawal there

til suddenly

– it seemed –

resentment rivalled the raucous and ridiculous

responsibility rose

an accidental acceptance

of patriarchy’s power

a misreading of manifesto

making misogyny’s might

well…

mightier

(already practiced in the pain

of

too much here

not enough there

too loud

and also speak up

stand up

stand for)

somehow she came to believe

you can do anything

equals

you have to do everything

on

your

own

community came

in queer spaces

queer as in weird

unexpected

queer as in gay

gay as in queer

gay as in joy

love

(unquestioning worthiness)

love

(uncomplicated by roles

responsibilities)

love

(ungripped by social scripts)

already existing outside

patriarchy’s power

love

(uncomplicated by labels…lust)

my lens queered

the space cleared

for her

to

come

back

a diagnosis delivered

via peer review

are

you

sure

you

don’t

have

a

d

h

d

?

(ah ha de haaaa)

(she whispers, hi)

senses alive

sense making

sense

of

self

sifting

shifting

silliness switched on

ah

ha!

(de ha)

(she’s shoving sensible aside)

chaos comes with her

– crazy-making –

yet embraced

because now

loud laughter lingers

resonates and rings out

so the raucous and ridiculous returns

(she is shining)

i’ve missed you, i say, welcome back

and she says

i

was

always

here