I thought past years had tried me, but man was I fucking wrong. When I think back at the year I think of all the heartbreak. The moments where I thought I’d never be happy again. Or the moments where I felt so lost and like I didn’t belong anywhere. I had thought I had already hit rock bottom, but it turns out that there was a basement. If the Bailey at the end of 2019 was to tell Bailey at the beginning of 2019 where she’d be…for lack of better words she’d be suspicious. It’s a cliche thing to say, but cliche’s are cliche’s for a reason. 2019 was the year of heartbreak, but a big year for personal growth. By the time 2019 had rolled around it was time for a new me. The one that needed to find love for herself and focus on finding her own happiness. In the process of growing through heartbreak I changed the parts of me that needed to be changed and learned about some other parts along the way. Genuine happiness was something I didn’t know anything about. The last time I was genuinely happy from within was probably when I was a baby and it was because my mom handed me a cardboard box or some shit. But let me tell you, getting told “you look happier” from people who have witnessed you at your worst is an elite compliment. Through months of focusing on myself and making myself my number one priority I had found genuine happiness from myself; not from some food or friends or a significant other. Those other things just fill a temporary void and it’s unhealthy because when those things leave or are gone, you still feel empty. There’s the saying that you need to love yourself before you love anybody else and I was one of those people that believed in that. Until I realized you need to go through heartbreak to learn how to love yourself. Although I found self love and happiness, my mental health wasn’t the best. I might preach sometimes that it’s important to take care of yourself, but I’ll be the first to admit that I actually suck at doing that. My mental health was a struggle this year which made me realize my mental health has to be a main priority of mine. I never want myself to get that low ever again. Although this past year was filled with one too many lows, there were oh so many highs. Not only did I go to my first concert ever, but I went to a couple more after that. Including one that I took my mom too, which was fun watching my mom sing along to Shaggy. I made so many memories with my best friend that we still laugh about to this day. Later on in the year I spent a good amount of time at the beach which always helped me from being committed. I’ve also met the love of my life. I couldn’t have even dreamt of a love like this yet, here I am. Some might say it’s too good to be true, but I could only hope that everyone has a love like this in their life. A love that is simple, secure, and safe. So although my 2019 definitely felt like two different years, I’m beyond thankful for every up and down I had. If there’s one thing I will most definitely take away from 2019 it’s to truly love myself, flaws and all. It’s okay to not be okay. For the love of everything good in the world, just cry. So, 2019, you’ve been one emotional year…but thank you.
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21 Years. 21 Lessons
Don’t make the mistake of falling in love with someone else before you fall in love with yourself. To love yourself you have to invest in your personal growth and work on becoming the best version of yourself you can be. Physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Like a seed, you need to water yourself on a daily basis to grow. Same goes for any relationship. The water represents love, attention, care, respect, and so much more. Focus on doing all of these things to yourself first. Yes love yourself, but also, analyze and be critical of how you think, act, and behave. Self love without self awareness is useless. Be accountable. The attitude of “that’s just how I am, take it or leave it” is still a sign of immaturity. As an adult, it’s your responsibility to figure out which of your traits are toxic and are negatively impactful towards other people and the ones you love, and to eventually learn how to fix them. At some point, we all have to start making ourselves better individuals. If you truly believe you don’t have to change anything about yourself, even at the very least the worst in you, and that people will just have to deal with it, then you’re still a child. Sometimes closure comes years after, long after you’ve stopped searching for it. You’re just sitting there laughing and you realize and it’s just like that. No fanfare. No warning. No explanation. One day you just realize that you’re no longer upset. You’re no longer angry, hurt, or bothered by the things that took so much of your energy and thoughts. Your heart is calm, soul is lit, thoughts are positive, and vision is clear. You will find yourself in a peaceful place, enjoy that feeling. As bad as you wanna address it some things are better left unsaid. Be disciplined about what you respond and react to. If you react, it won't change anything. It won't make people suddenly love and respect you, and it won't magically change their minds. Sometimes it's better to let things be, let people go, don't fight for closure, don't ask for explanations, don't chase answers, and don't expect people to understand where you're coming from. Not everyone or everything deserves your time, energy, and attention. Girls don’t mature faster than boys, boys are just babied way longer than girls. Boys aren’t held accountable for their actions or their actions are excused for boys will be boys. No one says "girls will be girls" or "she's a girl," but a list of things a "young lady" can't do is almost endless? Girls learn from a young age that masculinity comes with freedom; femininity comes with restrictions. No matter the age, a boy always has a reason or excuse as to why he behaves a certain way. It’s time to raise boys to act respectfully instead of raising girls to beware. Switch your mentality from “I’m broken and helpless” to “I’m growing and healing.” Your life will change for the better. Life is about perspective. The more positive your outlook is, the more positive your life will be. Nobody likes a negative Nancy and you certainly shouldn’t like being a negative Nancy. Instead of saying you only have 5 dollars left on a gift card, try saying you have 5 dollars off your next purchase. This change of mindset will take time, but you have to train your brain to be positive. Soon enough, you’ll have a positive response without any effort. Optimism is a happiness magnet. If you stay positive, good things and good people will be drawn to you. If you take a piece of rotten fruit and place it beside perfectly good fruit, what happens? The mold from the rotten fruit spreads over to the good fruit and both end up in a bad condition. The same happens when you surround yourself with people who don’t build you up. You become just like them... One of the biggest lessons my dad taught me was that you can never stop learning. I know, as a kid that’s the last thing you want to hear. After high school, it gets better. Trust me. You can begin the journey of learning about things you want to, not something that is necessarily required. We all put such a negative connotation to learning, but you should be open to learning. It won’t hurt you. Don’t act or speak out of anger. You will do and say things you can’t take back, things that will hurt others possibly permanently, and sorry isn’t going to cut it. Isolate yourself. Eat something. Take a shower. Go the fuck to sleep. Give yourself time to think about the situation with a calm mind. Take your personal feelings and views out of the situation, genuinely reflect on what happened, and respond with a calm tone. Yelling isn’t going to do anything or get you anywhere. All it does is get you a sore throat and nobody really enjoys them. Move away from your hometown. You’ll find your true self. There is a million times more support. People in your hometown rarely want you to win. A shark in a fish tank will grow 8 inches, but in the ocean it will grow 8 feet or more. The shark will never outgrow its environment. Many times we're surrounded by small minded people so we don't grow. Change your environment and watch your growth. You think you control, maybe not everything, but a lot of shit that happens in your life. You don’t control what happens, you control your reaction. You have to train your mind to be stronger than your emotions or else you’ll lose yourself every time. Most of your stress comes from the way you respond, not the way life is. Adjust your attitude. Change how you see things. Look for the good in all situations. Take the lesson and find new opportunities to grow. Let all the extra stress, worrying, and overthinking go. A little secret to happiness is letting every situation be what it is instead of what you YOU think it SHOULD be, then make the best of it. If something is draining you and/or fighting your inner peace, get rid of it. You have to come to the realization that all it’s doing is draining you, mentally and physically. You, on your own, have to reach a point where you realize this and decide you don’t have the energy to do certain things and surround yourself with certain people. Don’t be the only one putting in effort because you will lose yourself trying to save someone else. You have to realize something is draining you and it’s fighting your peace of mind and happiness, then not deal with it. Don’t let the internet rush you, nobody is posting their failures. Twitter and Instagram will make you feel like a failure for not being rich by 25, but then you meet actual people who are successful and you tell them your age, and they say something like “HA! I was working at Best Buy when I did was your age with a quarter tank of gas and no food.” Social media is a highlight reel and people put what they want you to see on there. They control what you see and what you don’t see. Remember that. Did you really have a bad day or did you have 10-20 minutes where you let your thoughts run undisciplined which led you to a bad vibe? C’mon dude, you run this shit. Pay attention. Quit milking the 10 minutes of unplanned situations ruin your entire day. Let it be what it is, be happy, and go on with your day. Quit being so negative all day long just because one thing didn’t go the way you wanted it to. There are things that go wrong that don’t always get fixed or get put together the way they were before. Some things stay broken no matter how much glue and tape you use. You have to come to terms with that even though you really don’t want to. You have to move on from whatever it is in order to move onto the next thing, which will be better. You go through things for a reason and you have to accept that. If it can’t be fixed stop trying to get it back to what it used to be because it’s gone. Nobody’s life is perfect, not even the person you admire the most. We all go through messy moments, ups and downs, times where we can’t seem to get our shit together, but that’s life. Shit happens, sometimes we can’t handle the situation and other times we are able to handle it with ease. All you can do is try your best and if you mess up, your lesson is learned. You aren’t going to learn from your mistakes if you don’t mess up. Nobody’s life is perfect so, stop acting like your life is. Sometimes you think you know someone, but you don’t. You might think they’re on your side when deep down they’re not. People show their true colors, unintentionally. Pay attention. Actions speak louder than words, words are just a cover up. There’s no shortcut to forgetting someone. You just have to endure missing them everyday until you don’t anymore. Don’t try to fill the void, you won’t be happier, you’ll end up hating yourself more than you did in the first place. I know it’s cliché, but the saying “time heals all wounds” is incredibly true. It’ll hurt and you will think you’ll feel like this forever, but things will be better in a week and then a month, until you realize you’re not hurting anymore. No matter how you live, someone will be disappointed. As the saying goes, you can’t please everyone. So, just live your truth and be sure you aren’t the one who is disappointed in the end. Delete the “I will do it tomorrow” attitude out of your life. Everybody knows you won’t, including yourself. If you started a year ago, you'd be a year ahead. If you started 6 months ago, you'd be 6 months ahead. If you started 3 months, you'd be 3 months ahead. But you did nothing, so nothing changed. Procrastination is the thief of time and we don't have a lot of it to begin with. Learn to be alone and to like it. There is nothing more empowering than learning to enjoy your own company. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. You need to be alone to learn who you are, whether that is from figuring out what inspires you to your own thoughts and beliefs. The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are. The second greatest is being happy with what you find.
By B7 years ago in Motivation
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SURVIVOR SUPPORT
As a peaceful human rights advocate, and a sexual assault survivor based in Oakville Ontario Canada, it is integral that all remain cautious about terminology which can be utilized to dismantle, cause further psychological, emotional, mental, or reputational harm to survivors who seek peaceful reform, independent counsel, justice, and support from their communities, leaders, and advisors. Calling a rape survivor “vexatious” is highly inappropriate and, in many contexts, constitutes re-victimization, especially when used by a person in a position of authority. Professional conduct must always be examined when a survivor is faced with mechanisms such as silencing, threats, direct or indirect intimidation by those within positions of power, or increased mechanisms which seek to ensure that a survivor is faced with further blockages, barriers, or stumbling blocks while seeking peaceful resolutions. When those within positions of authority seek to distort facts, alter, cause, or constructively create or harness ill-will or act in bad faith, towards a vulnerable survivor, in a manner, such or not limited to, acts of undue influence, coercion, or manipulation, to suit their case or an agenda, the push further re-victimizes a victim due to the unethical nature of the said act, of seeking further reforms, which may limit future survivor’s rights. To reside within a free democratic society ensures that all constituents are treated with equality, ethicality, fairness, and impartiality. In the era of responsible ethical governance, all must act with the intention of causing no harm. Misuse of the terminology of “vexatious” can cause a survivor to endure further trauma. Survivors often report being disbelieved, blamed, or have experienced, rude and dismissive behaviour from those within authority, which is considered a form of re-victimization. Within the professional conduct code, it is wise to consult a lawyer, higher forms of organizations, or contact representatives that are lawfully elected, that are responsible for remaining impartial, accountable, or free from influence from those in authority, to ensure that forms of bias, hatred, or prejudice are not present. Authorities or those within positions of elected power, are generally advised to treat those who disclose sexual violence with compassion and respect, recognizing them as the decision-makers regarding their own, often traumatic, experiences. Within the legal context, while “vexatious litigant” is a legal term used in court to describe someone who brings frivolous complaints or lawsuits, calling a sexual assault survivor “vexatious” is seen as a way to dismiss their claim. In many cases, it is important to remember that most sexual assaults remain “unresolved” by the legal system, and not all reports can be considered “alleged” in a way that suggests they are false. If you or someone you know has been treated this way, it is recommended to contact sexual assault support services or, in some cases, explore independent legal advice to understand your rights. As a sexual assault survivor, it is my stance that transparency, ethical responsibility, and hatred due to bias or prejudice remain out of the fold of independent private confidential cases. Utilizing public platforms, publicly funded meetings, or mechanisms used to manipulate organizations which care for survivors, is an attempt to misuse authority to undermine a sexual assault survivor. Within legal terms, it is a serious breach of ethical conduct to cause psychological, mental, or emotional harm to a survivor by denying assistance at the onset of their case, and may constitute harassment, intimidation, or abuse of power. If the behaviour causes a survivor to fear for their safety, it may violate criminal harassment laws under the Criminal Code. A complaint can be filed directly with local police or through third-party reporting. It is vital that all survivors are treated with ethical and moral respect as silence is never an appropriate answer in the case of ethical responsible leadership. As an Empowerment Coach, I encourage all survivors to speak with family members, friends, and trusted authorities to ensure that influence does not erode justice. Sharing a personal experience of trauma or abuse is not considered hate speech in legal or ethical frameworks, as it involves speaking about one’s own lived experience rather than attacking a group based on protected characteristics. Sharing stories has always been recognized as a vital democratic process, and contributes a vital part to the healing process, allowing survivors to break the fear of silence, combat internalized shame, while holding perpetrators accountable for their unlawful actions. By focusing on personal experiences of abuse, brings about awareness to different forms of harm such as physical, emotional, sexual, and mental struggles. Empowerment assists a survivors testimony. When a survivor encounters communication which illustrates detests or bias on their case due to their religion, sexual orientation, or bias is a form of hate. Although it is not a survivor’s job to protect others from their trauma, expressing one’s truth of what happened is not inherently hateful, even if it causes discomfort or negative feelings. A survivor questioning those within authority for answers in such cases as denial of help or assistance at the onset is an ethical form of seeking responsibility and peaceful resolutions. Sharing a traumatic experience is generally regarded as protected speech and a form of self-advocacy and healing which enables a survivor to exit a state of fear and powerlessness into a state of self-autonomy and self-empowerment. Justice without bias is integral in the process of countering outdated negative stereotypes surrounding victim shaming or ingrained false paradigms or negative beliefs. Countering bias against rape survivors requires a multi-faceted approach that shifts the focus from the victim’s actions to the perpetrator’s behaviour, challenges deep-seated rape myths, and conditioned adopted trauma-informed responses. Key strategies include believing survivors, educating on the reality of trauma responses, and holding perpetrators accountable. Victim-blaming suggests that a survivor is partially or fully responsible for their assault due to their behaviour, clothing, or choices. By challenging assumptions the focus then shifts onto the perpetrator which challenges the narrative of “Why didn’t they leave?” to “Why did the perpetrator choose to engage in unlawful acts?”. Trauma can severely affect memory, causing survivors to have non-linear or incomplete narratives, which are often wrongly interpreted as dishonesty. Rape culture is maintained by normalizing, trivializing, and excusing sexual violence through language and actions. It is important that fear, intimidation, unethical behaviour, indifference, and apathy are addressed, to ensure that peaceful diplomatic measures can foster peaceful resolutions. As a survivor, I support and endorse that law enforcement and legal professionals should receive training on trauma-informed interviewing and the reality of sexual assault myths. By being an active bystander enables all to intervene when witnessing disrespectful behaviour or early signs of harassment against a survivor. By fostering safe environments, all can listen without judgement and create a safe space for survivors to disclose their experience, as false reports are extremely rare. By understanding the impact of trauma on a survivor, communities then become unified to help those in need. Trauma survivors often experience profound, long-lasting impacts across mental, physical, and social domains, including intense fear, anxiety, hypervigilance, and depression. It disrupts daily functioning and relationships through triggers, memory issues, and behavioural changes. Recovery is possible through trauma-informed empathetic care, therapy, and self-care techniques like yoga, mindfulness, and breathing exercises. As a survivor, I stand by those who have experienced these forms of trauma, as it is part of my lived experience. Beyond the attack, our perpetrators cannot eclipse or reduce our rights to fairness, access to help, and ethical responsible justice for all. Empowerment through action ensures that no survivor is left behind in the wake of destruction. Engaging in peaceful advocacy allows survivors to transform their traumatic experiences into action, fostering resilience, while empowering others in similar circumstances. Often, survivors work without pay or formal recognition, driven by solidarity to help others navigate the same challenges they faced, which differs from traditional, paid lobbying efforts. Survivors frequently become powerful advocates who influence policy as part of their healing and helping process. With compassionate empathetic care and respect, societies become catalysts of change which confront the core roots of indifference, apathy, silence, and ignorance to ensure reconciliation is achieved in a lawful proactive peaceful manner. Silence forces survivors to internalize blame, making them feel responsible for the abuse rather than recognizing the perpetrator’s fault, as it directly correlates with increased rates of depression, anxiety, PTSD, and a sense of hopelessness. Being ignored or told to “be quiet” causes survivors to doubt themselves, feel devalued, and wonder if their pain is valid as it increases isolation. Silence prevents abusers from facing consequences, allowing them to continue their harmful actions, sometimes creating a cycle of intergenerational abuse. When survivors fear they will not be believed, they are less likely to report abuse, seek medical attention, or access legal support. Survivors may begin to feel that their pain is inconvenient and that their existence is less valuable, leading them to hide their struggles even from themselves. By addressing the core roots of injustice, through the power of unity, respect, and responsibility, communities on a local, national, and international level can confront the impact of psychological and emotional trauma on a survivor by others. Silencing a survivor, whether through direct coercion, societal pressure, or well-meaning individuals advising them to keep secrets, causes severe, long-lasting damage. It acts as a form of secondary victimization, where the initial trauma is compounded by the pain of not being believed or heard. Survivors of violence are legally and conceptually entitled to protection by authorities, even when systems fail to provide adequate help, because these protections are considered fundamental rights rather than voluntary services. When authorities fail to assist, it leads to impunity for perpetrators, spreads violence, and prevents survivors from accessing safety, recognition, or redress. Victims have the right to safety, privacy, and protection from intimidation or retaliation during investigation and prosecution. In Canada, for instance, the Canadian Victims Bill of Rights (CVBR) mandates that victims’ safety be considered at all stages. Within the realm of sexual assault, there is a legal and human rights obligations to prevent impunity and obstruction of justice. When systems do not help, it signals to perpetrators that there will be no consequences, which perpetuates further abuse and harms the rule of law. Systemic advocacy and reform ensures that no survivor has to endure the weight of sexual assault alone. The continued existence of protection laws allows survivors and advocates to fight for accountability and reform. The goal of protection is to shift toward a system that respects the survivor’s dignity and choices, rather than blaming them, which is a necessary step towards a truly responsive system. Often, authorities do not help due to gaps in implementation, lack of training, or systemic biases, even when legal frameworks exist on paper. The system is criticized for being re-traumatizing rather than supportive. Survivors deserve better than the current reality, which is why advocacy is ongoing for more robust and enforceable rights. If you are in immediate danger or need support, you can look for specialized community-based services, which often provide better tailored support than formal justice systems. With love, integrity, respect, and deference to all cases, recovery requires unconditional love and peaceful resolutions to ensure that no one is left behind.
By ELISABETH BABARCI 5 days ago in Motivation
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