The Sex Safe!

Yes, we all know how important it is to practice safe sex...or at least, safer sex (I seriously doubt that any sex can truly be safe; cameras and eyewitnesses have a funny habit of sneaking up on you), but we are human, and often, like a woman caught in a rainstorm, we suddenly feel odd sensations we cannot control, and end up getting very wet...on a good day.

And that is why we are now offering our newest product: The Sex Safe!

With our product, you can tuck away all those pesky feelings that spring up when you encounter that special someone, and you do not want to ruin it by crossing all the bases right away. Less harrassment, fewer lawsuits, and no time spent in front of your other half explaining why you were late and smell like the makeup counter at the local drugstore are your rewards!

Warning!

You will have many questions about how The Sex Safe works. Please understand that we do not understand it ourselves. The magical elves that sold us their product refused to tell us how it works, or why they would care about controlling our sexual desires, or why we had to ship the product out from an island off the coast of Madagascar instead of setting up shop in different continents.

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The Sex Safe should never be shared with anyone else, despite the urge you might have to share it with a partner or partners on various occasions. Many issues have been discovered in testing the device, and the endless numbers of genetic and subatmomic aberrations that have appeared make it apparent that you can suffer the same fate if you decide that this is a product you wish to provide for that special someone...without taking the proper precautions (one device per user only).

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You should be the age of majority when using The Sex Safe (no such restriction exists in purchasing it). We are not responsible for any damage done to the elderly or the teenager who feels that they either want to get back to their balanced days of yore, or to feel less distracted in class by all of the pubescent growth surrounding them. This is a device for adults, by adults, with only adults in mind.

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When not using The Sex Safe, maintain a cordon sanitaire around it and provide it with its own room no less than 7 by 8 by 9 feet in dimension. The Sex Safe is always running and we have noted other side effects when there is not enough space provided between the device and the user. There was a situation in an apartment complex where fourteen tenants thought that their Mardi Gras plans would have be put on hold permanently (a sad and tragic story). A good garden shed or an extra large basement should suffice.

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Do not toy with The Sex Safe.

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The Sex Safe will know you better than you know yourself.

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You will begin to find that it was difficult to live up to this point in your life without The Sex Safe.

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Appreciate and love and care for The Sex Safe as much as possible (we recommend at least two encantations twice a month).

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And finally, although this might seem to be obvious, NEVER BUY A USED SEX SAFE! We know that there is a black market for the resale of the device, but we are also aware that you have heard of all the terrible stories about what has happened to the owners newly gifted someone else's Sex Safe (again, that was a terrible Mardi Gras, and those hotels never recovered). Please purchase directly from the company...and follow the instructions...CAREFULLY!

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The Sex Safe is not for sale in Vatican City, Qatar and Greenland.

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Patent pending.

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