I Am Your Neighbor From Upstairs, and I’m Tired of Your Noise Complaints

Hello there, neighbor.

I met our landlord today, and he greeted me with yet another one of your noise complaints. Why do you keep doing this to me? We had such a good start: remember the first year, when you went on vacation and asked me to feed your cats?

I want us to have that kind of relationship again. That’s why I want to explain to you what is actually going on at my place.

I am not walking indoors in high heels, hosting wild parties, or making any other unnecessary noise. All the sounds you hear have a perfectly reasonable and logical explanation… contrary to your complaining that, frankly, starts bordering on harassment.

Now, let’s get this one out of the way immediately: I realize that Sunday morning is not the right time to use the drill.

But I hope that you can understand why I do it. It’s the only day I get to practice self-care, and house renovation is my only hobby, my private form of meditation.

You’ll agree that meditation should be practiced in the morning for a productive day.

And I really need Sunday to be productive. It is the only day when I can tackle all the house duties: laundry doesn’t clean itself, right?

Why only Sunday? Well, maybe you noticed that I keep asking you for sugar and flour. And that my laundry falls on your balcony because I hang it outside. It’s not to be environmentally friendly; I am not using a dryer because I cannot afford one.

Yes, my shameful secret is out: I’m broke.

But not everything is about money, you know? I am a real person with real dreams, and all this hardship will be worth it once I open my very own tap dance studio. I’ll be an internationally acclaimed dancer and get thousands of subscriptions to the virtual tap lessons that I’m recording now at my apartment.

To get big dreams accomplished, one needs to live big. I just had to rent this way-above-my-means apartment to get the universe moving and all that. You are a writer: you understand.

And since you can relate now, please turn up your heating: my floors are awfully cold at night.

Yes, I’d rather not be recording my tap lessons at night either. But I must do it because of all my day jobs.

Every day, I move the furniture out of the way and welcome ladies for intensive Zumba lessons. Which, by the way, is also the reason why the postman keeps ringing your bell to deliver my packages.

Interrupting my Zumba classes would be very unprofessional, and I appreciate you getting my packages very much. If you ever want to join the lessons, I’ll give you a special discount for it: only 200$ per hour.

After a quick bite, it’s already afternoon, and I don’t get a minute to rest, as I have to transform the apartment into a bowling alley. I’m coaching professionals in one-on-one throwing lessons. My heart is not there, but it pays well.

And at the end of the day, do I leave the house a mess? No. I’m not a barbarian!

I move all the furniture back in place before practicing my tap moves.

You can see how crazy my schedule is, and sometimes it’s just too much. Sometimes the demons of self-doubt creep into my heart too, and I am left wondering whether there is any talent in me at all. I am familiar with impostor syndrome.

To fight against it and remind myself why I should not give up on my dreams, I make sure to give back to the community.

I’ve been sacrificing all my Saturdays to host the local children’s indoor soccer tournament, for which, of course, I need to first move the furniture out of the way.

Now that you know me better, please be a good neighbor and stop trying to get me kicked out in the streets. We should be friends instead, especially since we have so much in common.

We are both artists, dreamers, and compassionate souls.

Oh, and we both love animals!

In fact, I have recently rescued a pony, and I’m sure he’ll love living here once I’ve moved some furniture around…